Cornered By Love

The Navigator

Q:  I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year now. It hasn’t been a completely easy time and we’ve had to overcome a lot, but we’ve stayed strong. Every day, our relationship gets deeper and I find myself falling more and more in love with him.

All that being said, I’ve kind of become The Crazy Girlfriend. You name it, I do it. I check his phone after he leaves the room, I secretly log into his Facebook almost daily, I’ve gone through his room and the entire contents of his computer, I’ve read his MSN logs, I check his Internet browsing history and spend a huge amount of my time obsessing over his ex-girlfriend.

The fact that he has slept with other girls drives me insane, almost to the point of physical illness. This is unbelievably hypocritical as I’ve been with others guys, too. But anytime I see or hear about his ex (who is sort of still part of our group of friends), I lose my cool completely. I just can’t get the idea of them together out of my head. He told me when we first started dating that they had never exchanged ‘I love yous’ but I found out through reading old Facebook messages that this isn’t true. This has made me even more jealous, possessive and CRAZY. I feel like this has given me some license to keep snooping and obsessing.

All of this is completely humiliating to me and I would have no idea what to do if he found out. I just want to stop! I know my boyfriend loves me and I love him, so why am I acting like this?

A:  You’re right; you’re acting totally crazy. If you value your relationship at all, you have GOT to cut it out.

Now, I don’t know why your relationship “hasn’t been a completely easy time,” so, for the purposes of this advice column, I’m going to assume it’s the usual sort of getting-to-know-you-better kind of stuff. IF, however, it’s something more serious (like cheating or, God forbid, abuse), PLEASE get out of the relationship.

But, like I said, I’m going to assume it’s more of a general kind of thing and believe you when you say you’re happy together and love each other. Which leads me to:

Why the hell do you feel justified just because you found out he told her “I love you” in an OLD Facebook message you found while snooping? He does not have to tell you what he said to his past girlfriends. It’s really none of your business at all how he felt about them or what he said to him. He was clearly trying to spare your feelings. Unless it has to do with STDs he might give you, his past relationships are absolutely, positively none of your business.

Besides, you obviously don’t really want to know. Thinking about it is driving you crazy. You have GOT to reevaluate your feelings.

First, take a deep breath. Vow to start over. And promise yourself to stop being crazy.

Got that? Good. Now onto the actual hard work:

Rid yourself of this habit. Don’t “try.” Don’t take “baby steps.” Just DO IT. This is NOT some kind of addiction. It’s something you decided to do and ridiculously kept doing. Just quit, cold turkey. Any cravings you get to snoop are,  I assure you, purely psychological–and, frankly, detrimental to your relationship. Resist these urges.

And now, I advise you to NEVER EVER EVER do it again (with him or with any future boyfriends) and to NEVER tell him about it. Just move on with your life. It really is that simple.

As for WHY you’re doing this–well, I can only assume you’re feeling insecure. It might have to do with him (is he making you feel bad about something?) or it might just have to do with you. Find the source of your insecurity and then eliminate it. It will make your life a thousand times better.